The movie I watched was horrible. It wasn’t even so bad that it was good. It was horrible in every way possible. I didn’t think anyone could screw up a movie so badly. Well, someone did, and it was the most boring movie I have ever seen in my life. It was called Monster, and no, it wasn’t the “Monster” that has been critically well recieved. It is another very unknown movie that is called “Monster,” and it sucks really bad.
Now, you must be wondering, how did I get it? Well, my father wanted to borrow Dragon War or something like that from Blockbuster, but he thought that was it, and borrowed it. Now we were one of the few cursed people to watch this movie. It is about two women who went to Tokyo to film a documentary. During their stay, an earthquake happened, which turned out to be a monster. (Surprise!) It is a rip off of Cloverfield, which was actually a really good movie. The difference is that it sucks, and the camera moved so much it almost made me feel sick. The monster was just a stupid bunch of tentacles sticking off the ground. I have a theory in which super mega giant squids actually lives underground, and they cause tectonic shifts, causing earthquakes and volcanoes. We must fund a project to kill them all, since they sucked in the movie.
The question is, how can I describe the idiocy of this movie? Just saying it sucked a lot doesn’t bring it to justice. The suckiness of this movie burns so bad that it can’t be described with words. I feel like everytime I am trying to prove how bad this movie is, I am complementing it. Every single aspect of this movie just falls apart, and I never thought that possible. The acting, monster thingy, directing, writing, camera, transition, and more and more and more were all wrong in every way possible. The movie was so boring that I may have to reconsider whether there is actually a boredom equal to the soporific effect of the church. I don’t know how they could have screwed up a freaking monster movie! Yes, many monster movie sucks, but at least those are entertaining and jokes can be played on them. On this one, there is no absolute moment of fun and good in the fun-good continuum, nor is it relative, and the movie doesn’t bend or warp those two around it. It is like those two never existed…
The only good joke I could come up with is that the uncensored DVD version of the movie is that it actually shows the monster, and as promised, it showed the monster at the end of it. My brother and I laughed at that, saying that is what they censored out of the movie theaters. Yeah, they were only a bunch of stupid tentacles. I bet in the movie theaters, they didn’t even show it. The squids must feel soffocated down there, always having to move around those plate tectonics like Atlas must be boring. After watching this movie, I will never think of squids the same way again (as in thinking of them badly), PZ would likely destroy me for insulting his favourite invertebrates, but I don’t care.. 🙂
From what I could come up with, people’s opinions aren’t so different. It is also weird how everyone talked about the way the cameras kept showing the cleavage, and that being the “good,” including my brother. And you know what? I agree. But even if the two women were naked, that would never make up for how bad this movie is. That is right, folks, it is that bad.
Summary: This movie is probably worse than that stupid catwoman movie and every bad American movies combined. It is the most stupid, pointless, and stupid, and boring movie I have ever watched in my life. one hour and 25 minutes felt like 2 and a half. So, yeah, I accidentally sacrificed myself so that future generations might never have to watch this sort of movie ever again. Don’t watch it, please, *crying* swear it to me, PLLEEAASEE!!!!…. *static*
(Cool, that went on much longer than expected. That is another evidence of how much I hate this movie)