Yesterday, I tasted sweet freedom. I was happy.
Why is that, you may ask? Well, you see, due to unforseen circumstances, including the screw up of a lawyer, me and my family ended up undocumented status even though we have social security numbers and all. So as of now, we are in the process of applying for residenship… again. Well, meanwhile, I am attending college with out of state ratings without federal aid since I am undocumented. Thankfully, they had a scholarship which was supposed to pay for my college. Well, yesterday, I found out that it only covers the in state costs, so my family had to pay the rest out of their pockets. Thankfully, we had a way to register as instate through paperwork, which meant that we could even have refund.
But before we filed the paperwork, I had a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach, a panic rising through my chest, a feeling of total loss of control. A similar terrible feeling happened when I found out that the lawyer cancelled the application for residency, and that our visas expired, which meant there was a chance we would be deported if things didn’t work out (although the plan for Spain or Korea sounded nice). I tell you, feeling secure in one’s future, and then loosing that security is a blow. It feels like you are a prisoner of fate. It was meant to happen, and there was nothing I could do about it. Not that I believed that, and especially not my father. But that feeling was strong, allright? The problem is to make sure to not succumbing to the feeling, keep a cool mind, and do something about it. Thanksfully, a solution was within my grasps.
For a brief moment, I felt an intense relief, and then joy. I was free for now. Problem solved, the worry was gone for a while. I want that feeling of security again, forget about the worries. Now, I know that life isn’t perfect, and there will always be obstacles, but I want a semblance of stability. Although I don’t want just mere feelings, I want stability to be a reality, which is not something my family has. My parents are almost 50 (although remaining strong, I might add) and they still have to work over 8 hours everyday to get enough money for the necessities and everything else. When I stop freeloading and get a secure position someday, hopefully as an influential astronomer, teacher, and writer (hey, I can have dreams too, okay? ^_^), that will be the day when I will make sure they won’t have to work from morning ’till evening.
I want us to be free from the burden of our thoughts.